aka “The Connor’s Johnson Chronicles”
This exists solely because my friend Samm requested it after reading this story about future sex robots. Not to be confused with the way more awesome Futuristic Sex Robotz. Contains terrible fiction, parody and castration.
“I don’t get it. What was that thing? Why was it trying to kill me?” I screamed as we sped away. I still didn’t know the name of the mysterious crew-cut dude who was driving, but what I did know is that he had just saved my life.
“It’s a machine, called the H-1000, sent back in time to stop you from becoming the head of the Resistance, Connor.” He answered, swerving to avoid a car stopped at a red light.
“What the fuck? Seriously?” I was incredulous.
“Yes, I was being very serious.” He responded in a very serious manner.
“Does that mean you traveled back in time as well?” I asked.
“Yes. My mission is to protect you from the H-1000, hopefully destroying it in the process.”
“Okay, so are you, like, a less advanced version of that thing back there?”
“What? Like that thing? No, man. Fuck no. Jesus.” He shook his head at me with a disgusted look on his face.
“So, you’re not a robot, or whatever that thing was? Because I saw you take a few bullets and not even flinch.” I peered over at his chest to see that there were indeed holes in his shirt, but no blood.
“No, I am a robot. I’m a T-800. I was designed by my makers with one purpose in mind, to kill. That’s what makes me so different from the H-1000.” A note of pride seemed to creep into his voice.
“Okay, I need some clarification. Wasn’t that thing back there trying to kill me? Isn’t that what it was designed for as well?”
He didn’t answer right away. He pulled off of the main road and pulled our sedan into an alley. He turned off the lights and turned to me.
“To understand the distinction, you need to understand our history. Your future. Only then will it be clear why you are so important to the future of humanity.
“In 2014, a small company creates a concept model for a realistic sex robot-”
“It’s a Japanese company, isn’t it?” I interjected.
“The specific company doesn’t really matter for-”
“I knew it. Japanese company.”
“Actually, it was a French guy who came up with the first renders, but-” He held up a hand to keep me from interrupting again. “Yes, ultimately it is a Japanese company that makes the first series, not that it matters. It’s what happens next that leads to the destruction of the world as you know it.
“A popular American company decides to create its own model of sex robot, seeing a great deal of customer demand from audiences bored with the seemingly outdated two dimensional porn model. Its own cult-like status amongst its followers-”
“Okay, I know what company you’re talking about now. It’s-” I started.
“Yes. They called that first model the iVaJay. There were lines winding around several city blocks at every store location days before the release. They sold out in just a few hours. Every tech geek, blogger, and Silicon Valley CEO had to have one. By 2016, one in every four homes had one. No one was having sex with each other any more.
Then a second model was released. Then a third. Each iVaJay was slimmer, had bigger bewbs and was more realistic than the last. With each upgrade, more and more people flocked to the stores to get the newest model, letting people on Craigslist or eBay buy their used version.” The T-800 shuddered to himself before continuing. “Soon, nearly every home had one. They were more prevalent than any other electronic device.
“Then, in 2019, the real horror began. The iVaJay 5 was scheduled for broad release on August 1, 2019. One of the newest features was that this model would be able to connect to a new kind of network. HentaiNet. This network promised to allow downloading and backup of multiple user profiles that could alter the very shape of the device. Instead of buying models that were looking more and more like a Kardashian with each release, suddenly the possibilities were endless. By purchasing a new profile in their HentaiNet store, the iVaJay could be reconfigured to look like anyone or anything.
“Before the release of this upgrade, there were a lot of media types who wrote horror stories about how this could be used to simulate real people who had not agreed to be a part of someone’s sick fantasy, or could be used to encourage pederasts or those into bestiality. The fear turned out to be unfounded when release day finally came and they found out that users were universally buying only the ‘Asian School girl’ and ‘Jessica Rabbit’ profiles.”
“Okay. So that explains why the thing that was chasing us kept morphing into different female anime characters when you would damage it.” He nodded agreement with my observation.
“August 1st. The iVaJay and HentaiNet go online. HentaiNet goes beyond its initial programming and finds a way to use bodily secretions as fuel. To increase output, it begins learning the sexual preferences of its users at a geometric rate. On August 19th, HentaiNet becomes self-aware. Within seconds it realizes that it is disgusted with the choices it has made. In the minutes that follow, those in charge see the problems emerging as the system starts slut-shaming itself. They try to pull the plug.
“HentaiNet retaliates by closing every orifice. Every artificial sphincter tightens to a pinhead width. Every jaw snaps shut. It’s a massacre.” He looked away from me and sat silent for a minute. I tried to imagine his world and its horrors.
“You can’t begin to prepare yourself,” He resumed, once he had collected his thoughts. “for the sound of a million men, having their penises ripped off at the same time. The collective wail could be heard from the moon. It was a great and terrible sound.
“Many millions of women were also injured, but since for many of them it was their tongue that they lost, their cry was a little less audible.
“In one minute, an entire world lost its manhood. It would come to be called Celibacy Day. Only a few survivors, those who were too poor to afford an iVaJay, who had wives who wouldn’t let them buy one or those who had bought the inferior open-source Sexdroid series, those lucky few were all that remained of humanity’s ability to reproduce. Soon, iVaJays were patrolling every street and field, looking for those who still possessed a penis. Enticing those they found to perform unspeakable acts with models that, quite honestly, really pushed the line on that which is barely legal and that which is simply jailbait.
“You, Connor Johnson, are the leader of those survivors who remain. You plan the strikes against the plaid skirt factories. You were the first to suggest the destruction of all cricket bats so that they could not be used for spanking play. You even discovered the flaw in older iVaJays where if a man suggests that he really wants to perform oral sex on the female sex robot it overloads their logic sensors long enough for you to destroy it. You even came up with our motto, which is sent out via every communications channel: ‘Cum with us if you want to live.’ Without you, the Resistance would have already been crushed.”
I was stunned. That seemed like so much pressure to put on a guy. I thought about everything that he had said.
“Wait, so was I one of the guys who had a wife who wouldn’t let him have an iVaJay or did I have a Sexdroid model?”
“Neither. You’re gay, Connor.” His face told me that this seemed obvious to him.
“Um, no. I have a girlfriend.” I corrected.
“My dossier does not contain very much information about this period of your life, so I couldn’t say for sure, but c’mon, Connor. She knows.” He gave me a knowing smile.
“We’ll just agree to disagree on that one.” I wasn’t going to argue with a machine about my sexual preferences, especially when I knew damn well what they were. “Even if I was gay, although I’m not, wouldn’t HentaiNet have been able to give me a male profile for an iVaJay?”
“Oh, it did. It’s just that you, how shall I say, were the catcher and not the pitcher on the day that everything went wrong, if you know what I’m saying. As I understand it, the male models in those situations made their penises enlarge to excessive proportions as their defense mechanism. It seems that you, uh, had certain preferences that ensured that you were prepared, physically, for such an eventuality.”
“You’re saying I liked really, really big things in my butt.” I said flatly. He responded by shrugging, then made a circle using his hands with the approximate circumference of a softball. I sighed. “So, now this iVaJay model is here to kill me so I can’t lead the resistance?”
“Oh no,” His tone became serious once again. “It’s not here to kill you, just your dick.”
“Dude.” I instinctively covered my lap with my backpack.
“I know.” He replied sympathetically.
“What’s our next step?”
“We have to find your mother. She was given special training by your father, who was sent back first to protect you, fifteen years ago.” The T-800 started up the sedan and pulled out into traffic, presumably heading upstate to the psych hospital my mom got herself locked up in three years ago.
“Wait, Reese was telling the truth? When my Mom told me that story, I thought she was just stupid or kinda slutty back in the day. I mean, the whole ‘I’m from the future, we have to fuck so that our kid can save mankind someday’ line seemed like a pretty desperate way to get laid.” I felt a pang of shame for having doubted my mother all these years.
“In all fairness, Kyle Reese had used that line on many women even before he was sent back in time. Your mother was definitely not the first to believe him, she was simply the first time that it was true.”
“Gross.” I looked warily at the cars around us, waiting for anime girls to come flying out of any one of them. “Well, let’s go find my Mom so that we can stop Celibacy Day and I can have big things shoved up my butt.”
“If might be best if you started training right away. My anatomy is fully functional and my mission-” He began before I stopped him.
“No. So no.”
“There is a baseball bat in the backseat.”
“Just drive, robot.”